not forever, not forever (untitled): Oh, Sabine

Sabine.

Why the Hell Are You Pissed at Me?

This was only to do with me and Mary.

and now i find it hard to understand when you refuse to explain.

ok?

I doubt I am sorry for What I have Done.

Unless I like, Killed Someone or Something

So Please Explain,

Because you are not Making Life Very Pleasant.

ok. this is how it went with sabine in an msn conversation.

me: hey, are you on your actual computer?

sab: yes, but im busy

me: do you want to finish from yesterday? (we had talked briefly the day before)

sab: uhm sure, but first, was the maths test hard for you?

me: well the end was but u wont have that. the advanced group had three extra questions which were really hard. but the start is easy. so dw bout it

sab: i'm in the advanced group to.

me: oooh, well there are three end questions that are really hard

omg. its raining So hard!!

sab: the giant thinng?

me: nope, its another sheet

sab: i dont think it is here, and okay, i just need to get a drink then we can talk

me: kk, or do you think blogging it would be easier?

sab: god NO

me: kk

sab: that is like, not being upfront

me: okily dokily

sab: maybe after though

me: k :D whenerver your ready and i wont interupt till the end

sab:

anyway well,

i was really shocked when you said that about me being jealous of like your friendship with mary. I DONT CARE WHO MARY IS FRIENDS WITH, I TRULY DONT. That was never why I was angry, i'm not a very jealous person. Okay, maybe i was jealous when kim was supposedly really good friends with kirstin

but i got over it pretty fast, because i respect both of them

but you always go on about how much you LOVE kimberly, and how you're her best friend. did i ever have a problem with that? NEVER. I had nothing! NOTHINGG. Seriously, i like kim but i dont mind who shes friends with, and i dont mind who ANYONE is friends with. i was never upset that you guys had new friends, because i wasn't in ur class but i could see how that affected mary, but then to go and

say that to me is like, stupid because i hardly hang with you

but anyway, so im saying that that WAS an ASSUMPTION ( as i've pointed out before about you) and a VERY stupid one that got me on my end. So when mary went and made that blog, I agreed with what she said, because we had discussed it, not in a bitchy manner, just geniunly talked about it and what we thought of it. And then for me to be sitting there while you sort it out with mary and have to endure

her crying made me more angry with you, because i'm like that with people who i truly love

so. marys like ill ring you later and im like okay, and when she told me what happened i wasn't entirely convinced that it was true, or if mary was just sucking up to you again, as laura tells me she always does. and i was more leaning to that. I actually WANT you guys to be friends, but how you say you'll never be best friends to her and then to go and LOVE HER suddenly like u always have and

always will be (im not saying u aren't, but you made it pretty clear who ur BEST friend was... are you getting me?)

and basically i just didn't want mary to have to sit through something like this (because i actually care about her) and thats why i was so angry. but tbh, i dont think there was anything to ever get over, you never hated each other, mary was just saying how you changed. and you have, i reckon you've changed a lot cati, and this character who you are, or used to be, is not the person you are now.

and its really REALLY bugging me. so then when you went off and said how i was jealous yesterday, i thought, thats something that the 'old cati' would never have said. It was just, bitchy. really.

okay i think thats it

wow that was long

me: b4 i go can i ask you something? what did mary say happened?

sab: ahh not much just what you guys sorta talked about, oh one more thing

me: but how did she describe it cos sometimes she is a bit weird how she like puts things

sab: uhmm... she just told me straight out....

me: no im not saying she twisted the words. im just wondering how she described it

sab: uh, how do you mean

me: like.. i dont noe what i mean. dw bout it

sab: haha

me: what was your one more thing?

sab: back on what i said the other day, we're always fighting

this really isn't working for us

okay that was it

me: you and me? or like everyone?

sab: you and me, seriously, all my fights, are with you

me: ok...... can i go now?

sab: okay

me:

ok first let me tell you how mine and marys convo went from my perspective: first after i read her blog, i posted a blog (have you read it?) and then a few more :P and then i realised she was not there. so i txted her but she couldnt go oon her computer, so we texted (all of our texts are in my post) and then she got on msn later the next day. and we were talking. basically i was asking her what

she meant about all of it and why she wrote it and why she thought it, and why now. and then she was responding, and then i started crying (cos i always do when i love someone, and i dont know why you keep saying who i CARE about, like i dont???) (oh and if i get aggressive, im sorry, thats how i argue) and she started get really upset with herself says I DONT KNOW WHY I FCKING DIDNT IM THE

BIGGEST BITCH EVER I AM SUCH A BAD FRIEND I ALWAYS LIE

and things like that. and i was like mary, calm down. i do not think of you like that ok? mary you should not be thinking that ok? you told the truth, and you shouldnt be ashamed of that ok? please, it made me feel much better about our friendship than you realise

and i dont think that ANYONE will EVER get how COMPLICATED and WEIRD mine and marys friendship is. seriously. its like: we argue about SO MUCH, and yet because we love each other SO MUCH we cant NOT be friends. we just... we cant explain it. and then i was rerally worried, i had only ever seen her this upset once before, and i promised not to tell anyone about that time. and so i said mary.

im going to call you ok? just hang on ok?

so i called her and she was deleted her blog and she couldnt talk

and we started talking, mary why did you do it? she said she started to feel like i was trying to be part of the popular crowd, that it wasnt me, that all the truth or dare was just boring, and everything like that

and i said: mary, im friends with lyn and laura parkes ok? and that is not going to change, cos we are good friends now ok? and the truth or dare thing? that was just like a FAD, its like things that are fun, for a while and then people just stop doing them, and it was like that for a while

and i was telling her about how i thought your guys group was so hypocritical because you always leave and go off and can do whatever you want but when our group leaves first, or does something you dont like, it turns into a massive fight for no reason! and then your group just is so hypocrical and FRUSTRATING.

and i thought that was really mean

but that is besides the point. the two groups are just COMPLETELY different

and so me and mary were talking, and then we started talking about her, and how , she said, she is never her self with someone, and i said, mary sometimes you have to be selfish, you have to think about what YOU think and about what YOU want in a friendship instead of what the other person wants, otherwise you will never REALLY be happy because you will always know that they dont like you for YOU.

and then she was saying how she was scared that everyone would reject her then and she would have no friends because she is the most horrible person ever, and i said (by this time we were both like broken down in tears, litterelay) mary if they reject you, or you dont feel wanted, you can always hang with me and my group ok? mary. you will always have me. please remember that ok?

and then i said: mary please promise me that you will be more like yourself. please, and so she she started to realise, and for once. i did fully believe her. because even though she doesnt lie that much NOW. i cant get over the fact about how she used to, and she realised that that was me. who i was. i can forgive but i cant forget.

so on to the next bit

i said you where jelous because that is how i know you, because that is the only thing i CAN base you on, because you dont let me in to things like that, i dont KNOW you like that. and i dont think i say i love kimberly that much ok? and even if i did. what is wrong with that ok? why do you guys have a problem with that? and me and mary CAN sort out our problems by ourselves, i CAN be THOUGHTFUL,

i am not made of STONE

btw sabine. i dont think it would have affected kims and kirstins friendship if you cared. because they are really close. so i knew that you and mary talked. aduh. it was pretty obvious. mary is capable of dealing with herself. she IS. and i know that because i have seen her at her best and worst. i can honestly say that. and why does it annoy you how me and mary deal with our problems? as i said

before

we are very complicated, and no one is ever going to be able to fully understand. people do change? and i dont see why you guys were getting mad, as you really hated laura getting mad at lyn for changing. and its MY business. ok? in my head, if i still love my friends, they still love me, then its ok. if they like me for who i am then thats ok. and why is it such a big deal that i "hung out" with

the "popular crowd"

for your information lyn invited me to highpoint with all of them and i said no because i wanted to sort out my thing with mary. if i REALLY wanted to be part of the "crowd" dont you think i would have gone? and why cant me and mary love each other? why is that such a problem? i dont get why you are getting so annoyed that i love mary still and i love kim and i love my friends. why cant i love

both of theM? is that now "allowed' or something? does your group not like it? so i have to follow that? i dont even see why it was ur business anyway. i get that you and mary are best firends and you hate to see her get hurt, but why cant she deal with her problems by herself? wow you actually "want" us to be friends. thank you so much. thats just fabidoo. aduh me and mary will never be bffls.

we have a fight like every week. but we DO love each other so its never a huge problem, because we get over it and move on. of course i always have and always will love her. why is taht annoying? and why is it a problem that ppl know me and kim are bffls? no one else seams to have a problem with it. and we know it probably wont last forever but we are really close. and maybe its because we dont

have to be together 24/7 and we arent. which helps. a lot. you know what? i really dont care what laura says. cos at the moment? her and i are not close at all, and she tends to make assumptions when she doesnt like something. she got that sucking up thing from the big fight when me and mary FINALLY agreed on something.

sab: can i blog mine? ill like delete it after.

me: sure

__________________________

and this is her blog

catherine

i don't want you to get overly mad at this, i don't mean it badly. what you wrote is in red and mines in purple

i am not made of STONE

well that seems to me that you don't know me at all, and before you go round making these assumptions you should actually get to know me better. ever considered that? its not that i don't let you in, you just don't know me. Yes, you do say i love kimberly. all your blogs, all your pm's. you do. its not a bad thing, i didn't say that at all. ARE YOU NOT UNDERSTANDING EVERYTHING I SAY? Thats something that i've experienced with you, you don't listen and you don't even slightly change your views after everything i tell you, even if you still agree with stuff you may say, surely there is something that I say. I never said you were made of stone, nor that you weren't thoughtful, i get that you can sort it out yourself but being the person i am and caring about what happens i asked. you or mary could have told me to stay out of it but you didn't so i involved myself. and then, here we go, another fight between us.

No it wouldn't have affected at all. UGH CATI, thats what makes me so annoyed! you make these assumptions about things i never said! , and you never admit it either. Mmhm mary is capable with dealing with herself, but just like you would, i am her friend and i tried to help. again, you could have asked me to stay out of it. It doesn't annoy me HOW you deal with it. NOT AT ALL (THERE YOU GO AGAIN. GRR!)

the "popular crowd"

Okay, people do change. BUT NOT YOU CATI. YOU OF ALL PEOPLE. you are like so purely yourself that OF COURSE if you change people are going to be like WOAH. You are so sure of what you are. Now you're acting COMPLETELY different. And its not different if you hang out with the popular crowd, but you honestly need to see it from someone like mine or marys viewpoint. Did you change just to FIT IN? You'll go crazy at that, I know. But you know what, maybe you need to look at yourself and into admitting, because you may be surprised. Because your friends love you for who you ARE, not someone you try to be. No. theres nothing wrong with changing. but its you, cati. you've stereotyped yourself into this person who wouldn't. ever.

okay, thats nice to know. but grrr. G-R-R-R-! I never said you didn't love mary. I never said you didn't love kim. i'm not getting annoyed at that ! (you're doing it, AGAIN. -____-)

why cant i love both of theM? is that now "allowed' or something? does your group not like it? so i have to follow that? i dont even see why it was ur business anyway. i get that you and mary are best firends and you hate to see her get hurt, but why cant she deal with her problems by herself? wow you actually "want" us to be friends. thank you so much. thats just fabidoo. aduh me and mary will never be bffls.

that wasn't supposed to be offensive? OMFG CATI..

you are unbelievable, truly. you are making assumptions about things I NEVER SAIDD. ARGH! can't you see how frustrating this would be for me?

o.m.f.g.

do you only read the negative things?

"but you always go on about how much you love kimberly, and how you're her best friend. did i ever have a problem with that? NEVER. I had nothing! NOTHINGG. Seriously, i like kim but i dont mind who shes friends with, and i dont mind who ANYONE is friends with."

-____- is all i can say.

and maybe its because we dont have to be together 24/7 and we arent. which helps. a lot. you know what? i really dont care what laura says. cos at the moment? her and i are not close at all, and she tends to make assumptions when she doesnt like something. she got that sucking up thing from the big fight when me and mary FINALLY agreed on something.

okay so maybe laura did get it from that. but you make assumptions, too, cati.

end.

__________________________________________________

ok, now its my turn. sabine, its not all about what you say. its about what you MEAN when you say things. havent i already admitted that i don't know you that well? because you don't let me? i cant trust you fully or "get" you fully without knowing you fully, and you cant expect me to.

sabine you make assumptions to ok? why cant you see why I am annoyed? why not? basically what you are saying is that you are annoyed that I made mary sad and that I have changed when I cant because I have made myself "pure" . That is what I got from that. ok? i cant help how I see things?

and please dont say you mean it badly. because of course you do. because of course you are mad at me right now as you proved multiple times in your blog.

then what is annoying you sabine? because I am not understanding you

OBVIOUSLY!

can you please just say

in like

dot points or

something

what is annoying you?

no i focus on the things that i think

are not fair!

whatever i didnt reply to

means that i thought it was

FAIR

YOU

with your

VIDEO

ok?

i listen. believe me. i listen. i listened to you for about a DAY on kimberly, and i ALWAYS helped you. but it is ALWAYS me helping YOU.

did you notice that?

ALWAYS

i know me. why do i have to tell you a THOUSAND times, that i know i am flawed.

i can bitch

i can BE a bitch

i can be inconsiderate

i can lie

and i can

be a freaking

ass.

why cant you understand this? its like YOU sabine. YOU have built YOURSELF into a person that can NEVER EVER tell a secret, but you know what? i bet you are flawed

i bet you would

ok?

and you always say

yeah i overeact

yeah

i do

yeah yeah

but you never do anything about it!

i apologized to mary with a letter

you made a song that basically said how much you thought kimberly was being a bitch and not changing to suit YOUR needs.

im not changing for ANYONE

im not changing to FIT IN

ok?

I SWEAR

i know

that i

CHANGED

in year seven

my god i did

and i

CHANGED

in cambodia

but to me

i dont

CARE

what people think

i dont

CARE

what you think

because in the end

the only people that matter

are the people that are

CLOSEST

to me

and right now

you

laura

and bec

are not

close to me at all

and i know

that mary thought all of those things

i KNOW that

i know that she thought i was being an ass

but we sorted it out.

im not trying to

"FIT IN"

did you not read what i wrote?

im building my life around me

and my friends

and my family

who i love

ok?

i know you think

that im

"not accepting"

anything.

but believe me

seriously

i know when i have changed.

i have changed so much

im not kidding

if you saw me in grade 3 before cambodia

i was a spoiled brat

who didnt know anything

but i experienced things

i learnt about things

SAW things

that changed my life

made

FRIENDS

that changed my life

and i know

ok?

so can you please tell me

DOT POINTS

why you are so mad?

because i seriously

DO NOT

UNDERSTAND

and one more thing that has nothing to do with this that has been pissing me off for a VERY long time:

GET OVER YOURSELF SABINE.

________________

hers:

you know what.

i'm not even going to bother

because frankly

you just said

that right now i wasn't close to you.

so, SO BE IT.

two words catherine.

fuck you

bitch about me all you want.

say whatever you want.

it's over.

i tried to sort it out. but every time you said something, i just got angrier. which i'm sure you did too.

it's never going to happen.

and i don't even think you know what get over yourself means, i think you're trying to use it as an insult.

so catherine.

hrtuiegdfjncvm

end.

_________________

mine

sabine.

why?

why do you always do that?

i try to sort things out

and you just spit it back into my face

yeah right now you guys are not close to me.

ok?

but there is

NOTHING

wrong with that.

we can still be friends

and

THEN

become close friends

duh?

its just

GIVING UP

on something that

COULD

be a really good friendship

as i said. me and mary have a fight a week, maybe more, and so what? we get over it and move on.

ok?

sometimes you have to

TRY

instead of

giving up right away

ok?

your just blowing up again and again like you always do.

what will you do if one day someone doesnt take you back? what will you do then?

____________

hers

'always'

there you go again.

okay you know what.

my friend just gave me some advice

Matt says: (5:57:04 PM)

being frineds with her

Matt says: (5:57:10 PM)

For the sake of keeping the peace

Matt says: (5:57:12 PM)

is probably the best idea

so there.

i'm a very lazy person.

and i can't be bothered to sort it out.

coz hell, i'll lose.

just like every other argument.

so what do you want me to say?

yes catherine i'm sorry i should change i should stop bitching i should stop being myself, you're the greatest person ever.

i'm not even mad at you now for some reason, but i never was a kimberly, or even mary to you. so we'll just go our separate ways. while still knowing each other

_______________________________________

mine

sabine. is that the best you can do? settle for just "knowing" each other?

why cant i noe why your mad at me?

its just

not

pleasant

all

yeah i said always.

cos that is the only

you i know

you dont

give

anyone a chance

to know you

no chance

at all.

sabine

i do know

that you value the friendships that mean something to you

obviously this one doesnt

but it

COULD

sabine

you cant win or lose in an argument like this?

maybe you feel like that but i cant help that?

what do you want me to do?

give up everytime so you can

"win"

arguments are going to come up in

EVERY SINGLE FREEKING FRIENDSHIP.

IT HAPPENS.

OK?

no sabine. i want you to fight

for a friendship that

WAS

and that

COULD

be.

there was another assumption.

you have no idea

how much it hurt me

when you were all

confused about yourself

and about kimberly

when you said

i love you cati

and the start of that video

that touched me

my eyes weld up with tears

DONT

ever

SAY

THAT.

ok?

i know im not the greatest person ever.

hell

im probably one of the worst

HATE

making people feel bad ok?

MAYBE

i am the only person you have come across that is like this.

maybe.

but how can i help who i am

how can you help who

YOU

are?

and what are you going to do.

if one day

someone doesnt forgive you

doesnt give you a second chance

after you have calmed down

what are

you going to

do?

____________

hers

okay fine.

ill do it.

I am annoyed at you because:

- You make assumptions (even if i do too, but whenever i seem to argue with you, you don't take into account what i say and change your thoughts.)

- You've stereotyped yourself into the Catherine I like, but occasionally get annoyed at. The one who hates lying, who loves her friends, who cries over the littlest things to do with love. Deep down, you'll always be that person, I know it and so do you.So maybe I should tell myself that its the inside that counts. Maybe I was wrong there.

- you keep saying, get over yourself sabine. I am over myself. I never was, like, UP MYSELF. Far from it. Ask someone who knows me well, like mary or bec, or laura even,

oh and, yes maybe the 'me' you've only seen is like that because we never talk unless we're fighting.

i've admitted that i have flaws. What can I possibly do? And, I'll have you know, that ever since the group fight, i actually HAVE started noticing my movements and deciding whether to or whether to not to say something.

the song about kimberly was nothing like that. Nothing meant to be a bitch. It was just trying to tell her how I felt about that relationship and if it was going anywhere.

so, catherine.

how CAN i help who i am?

Whenever I think about having to move schools if I'm reading a book about a new girl at this school, I think, what would I do? Who AM i? then I think, I'd probably just throw on jeans and a T-shirt, because that's 'me'. Then I think of you, and I think, catherine would be so sure of what she would do. I always saw you as being that person.

and thats who I love.

They say bad things happen for a reason

But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding

Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving

And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you,

And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok

I'm falling to pieces, yeah,

makes me cry, every time.

____________________________

mine

thank you sabine

thank you so much

you didnt give up

i am so

relieved

i love you

for the

care you put into

how your friends

feel

i love that you

always

are so observant

about everything

i love

that you

cared enough

to come back

i just plain love you.

and that is true.

so true.

ill try not to make assumptions

ill try to be more observant

but i will still be me

remember sabine

i wouldnt change you

for the world

a friend is someone who can look at you with the biggest smile on your face, and still know that something was wrong

a true friend is someone who walks in, when the rest of the world walks out

as we go on, we remember, all the times we

had together

we will always

be friends

forever

always make me cry.

everything

to do

with love

and friends

and love

xx.

______________________

hers

I forive you, but more importantly

i'm sorry for doing stupid things

and deep down, yes, I'll always love you.

even despite our fights.

you say yours and Mary's relationship is complicated

maybe we're meant to fight, to figure out how much we

truly love each other.

the end.

ps. i love you.

_________________________________________________

mine

if you think our relationship is complicated

i dont think you would survive the wrath of mine and marys

and the carnage

sabine. i will always love you.

we will always fight.

but just remember.

i will

never

ever stop loving you

and never

ever

let you

fall

into the

unknown

without me

there to

support you

we were always going to have a dramatic friendship

its us

duh

ps. im the friend that will always be there for you

no matter what, or when

never forget that.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Oh, Sabine

catherine

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